Some of my poetry
What gives a meaning to a life?
I usually say 'wisdom', although that's a lie
Like an enamored concubine
I think that only love gives meaning to a life.
***
Survival of the fittest?
I’m the fittest and I’m here:
A culmination of intelligent design.
Whether by God or nature…
By whom? I hardly care…
I’m here and I’m here to survive.
***
To Tihon
My hand is covered by your warmth.
I’ll hide my fingers in your fur,
I’ll play you like a fuzzy set of bagpipes,
I’ll rob, I’ll scratch and make you purr.
You’ll fall asleep and I’ll sit still…
***
It’s all the same
Translucent eyes, thin knees.
The features that I lack…
Oh well… Who cares?
‘Cuz I am me!
Still beautiful old me.
I might be broken,
But I’m not beyond repair.
I will survive just as I always do
I will emerge from the ashes of despair.
I’ll read Remarque,
I’ll weep, I’ll change my hair.
I’ll write some poetry,
Drink Riesling late at night
I’ll cry some more
And then, of course, survive.
***
My hopes, my dreams, my sorrows…
Six years of my life cut off,
My hair braided laying on a table,
It’s separated from the rest of me.
No longer Samson… I’m my own Delilah.
I have no reasons to be strong.
The reasons that I’ve had
I’ve banished from my kingdom,
Six years worth evaporated in a flash.
Six years of my life... My hair…
I should be sad, and yet… I’m feeling so free.
I’m young again, I’m ready for adventure,
I love my life, my mind and my soul.
I’m slightly scared, which I guess is normal.
Embarking on a life-long journey could be scary!
Especially when you’re aware it’s life-long…
***
Do you even exist?
Or are you only a myth?
Little speckle of hope
That’s supporting my dream?
I’ve been calling your name,
Can’t you hear my voice?
I’ve reached out with my soul…
The result was the same.
Are you deaf? Are you blind?
Can’t you feel that I’m here?
Can’t you open your mind?
Those who seek always find!
Please look into my eyes
When you do - you will know
That some fairytales are true
And I was born just for you…
***
I’m a flower child
With conservative views
I enjoy big parties
And listening to news
I am so honest
It appears fake
I’m afraid of flying
And of sleeping late.
I’m afraid of dying
And of wasting time
I’m my own woman
Not afraid to cry
I am tough as nails
Yet sometimes I’m weak
Certain days I’m gorgeous,
Other days I’m bleak.
I can change my mind
Twenty times a day
I can be obnoxious
I can be OK.
But what’s most important
Is that I’ll be true
To my real nature
And, of course, to you.
***
I can no longer cry...
A tiny creature living in my mind
Keeps screaming that a person
I made love to at one time
Is not supposed to die
When I’m just twenty-five.
I argue with the little monster and explain
That it’s no use for me to try my magic.
I tell the creature that the spells that I recite at night
Won’t bring him back, because he’s dead
His soul has escaped his body... That is that!
His mind is wondering somewhere far away
And I’m the one who’s left behind to wait
And wonder when will be the day when I’ll escape
To meet the ones I loved somewhere far away.
***
I wish I could forget,
But the image lingers
You’re eyes are closed
You’re dead.
The hand
That I’m still holding
Belongs to someone else
To God perhaps...
Your mom is crying
The fear that I had is gone
You’re dead,
You’re not just dying.
All hope is lost...
Your father’s eyes
Will always haunt me.
I wish I could be mad
But I’m just hurting.
I hear my heartbeat
While yours is missing...
You’re gone,
You’re done,
You’re dead
No longer living.
Deceased…
Your journey ended.
My own just begins
And you’re in it.
The pain will always stay
My heart’s in pieces
I’ll always think of you
And always miss you.
***
I found a baby robin
It was hurt.
I knew it wouldn’t make it,
Yet I hoped.
Its broken little body
In my palm
It looked at me
As if I were its mom.
I prayed to God.
Alas, to no avail
And death
Just as it always does
Prevailed.
I cried. I sobbed.
Why such distress?
Because, my love,
I’m mourning still
Your death.
***
Whenever I believe
I know who I am
My dreams collapse
And my well-known path
Dissolves into nowhere
I struggle for a bit
And plea with God
To give me time
So that I may
Discover once again
Who I will be
And who I already am.
***
So shaken and confused
I’m praying for redemption
And believe
That I could be forgiven.
Although still unable to forgive
My own sins
I look into the future
Dreaming that
Nobody’s real father - time
Will shelter me
From ghostly thoughts
Which haunt my nights
Still searching to ignite
Insanity
Among the cynic logic
Reigning in my mind.
So far I’m winning
In this senseless war
Yet winning wars
Could be so pointless
When you already lost
The most important battle
And all you are
Is just a living ghost.
***
Everything around me is an oracle
And my every question
Gets immediately answered.
I wonder
Why the other people don't
See all the clues
Placed all around here
To make it easier for us to bear
The world and ourselves.
The beauty of the world is so visible!
They say that they are not a part of it,
Because of stupid Eve
They don't believe that life is metaphysical
In rationality and logic they believe.
"Is it the fight for money
That blinded them so?"
I often ask my oracles,
But even they don't know...
***
To come at the right moment
To make a theatrical appearance
To deeply disturb your soul
To heighten your dying spirits
To make you remember my body
To make you dream of no other
Again and again I wish for
So we can find each other.
